My friend Jim sent me this; he vouches for its veracity. Enjoy and try not to puke when you are laughing. Gor

> Tools Explained

> DRILL PRESS:
> A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar > stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings > your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which > you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. >
> WIRE WHEEL:
> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the > workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and > hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to > say, “Oh, shit!” >
> SKILL SAW:
> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> PLIERS:
> Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of > blood-blisters. >
> BELT SANDER:
> An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs > into major refinishing jobs. >
> HACKSAW:
> One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board > principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable > motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more > dismal your future becomes. >
> VISE-GRIPS:
> Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If > nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense > welding heat to the palm of your hand. >
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
> Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your > shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub > out of which you want to remove a bearing race.. >
> TABLE SAW:
> A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood > projectiles for testing wall integrity. >
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have > installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under > the bumper. >
> BAND SAW:
> A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good > aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the > trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the > outside edge. >
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
> A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you > forgot to disconnect. >
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
> Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening > old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but > can also be used, as the name > implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
> A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common > slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. >
> PRY BAR:
> A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you > needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. >
> HOSE CUTTER:
> A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER:
> Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used > as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent > the object we are trying to hit. >
> UTILITY KNIFE:
> Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons > delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents > such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector > magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially > useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. >
> Son of a b*tch TOOL:
> Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while > yelling “Son of a bitch” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most > often, the next tool that you will need. >
“though no man is an island, some of us are inner tubes”
“Pernicious nonsense.” – J. Frank Parnell, Ph.D.
“I dare you to make less sense” – Dean Venture
“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?” – Linda Ellerbee